So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
