She is in my trunk
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
