Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
