a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
