Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
whose parrot is this?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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