Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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