hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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