the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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