I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
