haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
