Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
