There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
