Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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