If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
