just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
