i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
