He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
