Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
