So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
