i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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