This is not my ceiling
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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