oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
