how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
