dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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