I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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