I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
