Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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