just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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