did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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