Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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