shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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