My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
