I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
