I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
