The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
