separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You need Xanax blowdarts
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
