so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
