i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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