My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
