mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
