only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
