Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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