I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
