Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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