Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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