Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
