Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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