When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
