so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
