You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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