I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
