I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sorry about my life...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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