Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
