The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
