ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize