please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
